The highly anticipated - What a Quack: Part Two

I received a disgruntled e-mail (Hi Laura!) today regarding the suspense I was creating due to my lack of posting... so here you will find the highly anticipated part two of my birth story.

So after hanging out with the contractions for longer than I needed to, I summoned for my epi. Enter (as Master P endearingly called him) Twinkle Toes the Anesthesiologist Assistant. I wasn't really a fan of Twinkles Toes. He told me I asked too many questions. Hi, you're about to stick a flippin needle in my back that looks like a basketball pump, of COURSE I'm going to ask questions.

Twinkle Toes got the last laugh though. He decided the IV in my left hand wasn't sufficient (I'm not sure what gave that away... maybe the part where it was about three times its normal size). Twinkle Toes somehow decided that my right forearm was the appropriate place for IV Number 2. I don't know what gave him this impression -- I'm not the smartest person in the world, but there isn't a good vein there, to my knowledge. I tried to coax him to put it elsewhere, but Twinkle Toes knows best. Not. Enter lots of blood and bruising in my arm. I'd say the bruise was about six inches long and lasted longer than anything else from my delivery -- staples and back bruising from the epi included.

So whatev's... I got the epi. It was no big. Everyone talks about how getting the epi in the worst thing ever. I disagree. I hardly felt it and didn't really feel much pressure. After the epi they put a catheter in since you can't get up to go tinkle once you have the epi. That wasn't a big deal either. At this point, I didn't give a shit what they did to my hoo ha either.

Eventually the on call night doc came in to see how I was progressing. My poor Jillybean wasn't handling contractions so well. Every time I had one, her heart rate dropped, and it was staying down low for longer as time went on.

The doctor gave me a choice. I could c-section now, and she could pretty much guarantee Jillybean would be A-okay or I could wait it out and see what happened. She let me know that if I waited, and did end up needing a c-section, it'd be an emergency situation. I obviously opted for choice A. As pro natural childbirth some of you may be, when your child's, that you've been carrying for the last 9 and half months, life is potentially on the line, you do what you have to do.

Now I have to say I wonder what an emergency c-section would be like because from the time the decision was made to the time JBean was delivered, there was maybe fifteen minutes in between. They had my guts torn open before Master P was even in the room.

The c-section itself wasn't bad... but I think they should give you earplugs because you hear all sorts of things you don't want to hear. The scariest part was not being able to swallow -- only because I was breathing so heavily through my mouth with the oxygen mask on.

The best moment of my life was hearing Jillybean cry after she was born. Being strapped to a table wasn't so fantastic. I made Master P count all of her fingers and toes and I kept asking the pedi what her Apgar scores were (8 and 9 respectively).

At this point, Master P took JBean back to the recovery room while they stitched me up. This was probably the worst part. Not being able to hold her after carrying her for so long was heartbreaking. In fact, I didn't get to hold her for a little over two hours after her delivery. My body went into shock and I kept shaking like I was having seizures. But once I held her, it was magical. It was love at first sight. I've never loved anything or anyone as much as I loved her at that very moment, and the crazy part is that I love her more and more as each day goes on. I can't help but give her hugs and kisses.

The Truth About Birth and its Messy Aftermath

After reading Jillybee Momma's post "Imma Be Real With You" (If you haven't checked out Jillybee Momma already - do so immediately... well immediately after reading what I have to say. I love her blog and we automatically have to be BFF since we both have Jillian's... which is obvi the best name ever. Don't hate), I have been inspired to tell you the things they don't tell you about birth and its messy aftermath.

Warning: This post is outright nasty.

What they tell you: You're going to bleed.
What they don't tell you: You're going to bleed like someone shot you in your hoo ha. (Sounds impossible, but trust me). Now, I gave birth via unplanned c-section due to fetal distress, so I'm not sure how different this is for those who give birth through their vajayjay. Back to the bleeding. There will be blood clots. Very large blood clots. The first major clot I experienced was about the size of an egg. I thought I was dying. I made Master P call the nurse. He thought I was on my death bed as well. Just so you know, the nurse informed me I should get concerned if the clots were as big as an apple. Otherwise, I was a-okay. Super.

What they tell you: You're going to need your cervix checked frequently.
What they don't tell you: They're going to check your cervix every twenty minutes or so. I am the most squeamish person when it comes to people looking up my hoo ha. I pass out every year at my annual pap. I just get so worked up, and I lock up, and it's the most miserable thing ever. I'm so bad that the on call literally questioned how my baby was conceived and gave me the okay to get the epi when I was only at a 3 thinking it'd make cervical checks easier for me (Really, I think she was just being selfish since she almost got kicked in the head, but that's just my opinion).

What they tell you: You're going to need help the first few days.
What they don't tell you: You're going to need help doing things that WILL be embarrassing. Some experiences may vary, since, as previously mentioned, I required a c-section. Some things are more embarrassing than others. I am very modest with my body... I have never dressed 'scandalous' and I've never really shown my body off. I certainly have never flashed anyone or the like. When you're trying to breast feed, you are going to whip your boobs out, and there are going to be numerous people touching and groping them, and you aren't going to care. Additionally, I need Master P to help with some tasks... like putting the mega pads on since I could really bend to pull my hospital issue mesh underoos on, and helping me dry my legs and butt after a shower for the same reason (and I'm pretty confident I had some happening hair patches since shaving well is impossible). I'm sure he saw many things that make him think differently of me now (see egg sized blood clots and sasquach hair patches), but as far as I can tell, he loves me all the same.

What they tell you: You will be numb from the waist down.
What they just don't tell you: You'll be numb from the waist down, and you won't be able to feel your feet... for four hours. It was the freakiest part of the whole experience I think. I could think about moving my feet... and see my feet moving... but couldn't feel my feet moving. I legit panicked.

What they just don't tell you: The first day you're home from the hospital, I'm sure you'll have plenty of help. Maybe you'll even be fortunate enough to have help for several weeks (I know the company I work for offers a 12 week maternity leave AND 12 weeks of paternity leave for new fathers). If you're anything like me, you'll, unfortunately, be alone sooner rather than later. After spending 4 days in the hospital after the birth of JBeanie, we were sent home on a Monday -- Master P had to return to work the following Monday. I can honestly say it was the hardest day of my life. I had no clue what I was doing. JBeanie cried all day long. I didn't have time to shower... I didn't even have time to eat anything. I was a frazzled disaster and that day made me feel like I didn't know what I got myself into. But it gets better. Honestly. Promise!


As tough as some of these things were to deal with, in all honesty, it's worth it in the end. JBean is the best thing to ever happen to me... shit filled diapers and all. :)

Handling Life One Diaper at a Time

Why start a blog? Well, why not. It's sort of like why did the chicken cross the road. My thought is he had nothing better to do with his time.

A little about me...

I'm a 26 year old, first time mama to Baby JBean. I love her more than anything, ever, but sometimes being around her, and the process to get her here was terrifying. Here I plan on logging our adventures... the good, the bad, and the outright poopy. Whoever said parenting was good clean fun was obviously full of crap.

So sit back, relax, love me, hate me, laugh with me and cry with me... really it doesn't matter...

As Huggie's would say, Enjoy the ride! ;)