The Truth About Birth and its Messy Aftermath

After reading Jillybee Momma's post "Imma Be Real With You" (If you haven't checked out Jillybee Momma already - do so immediately... well immediately after reading what I have to say. I love her blog and we automatically have to be BFF since we both have Jillian's... which is obvi the best name ever. Don't hate), I have been inspired to tell you the things they don't tell you about birth and its messy aftermath.

Warning: This post is outright nasty.

What they tell you: You're going to bleed.
What they don't tell you: You're going to bleed like someone shot you in your hoo ha. (Sounds impossible, but trust me). Now, I gave birth via unplanned c-section due to fetal distress, so I'm not sure how different this is for those who give birth through their vajayjay. Back to the bleeding. There will be blood clots. Very large blood clots. The first major clot I experienced was about the size of an egg. I thought I was dying. I made Master P call the nurse. He thought I was on my death bed as well. Just so you know, the nurse informed me I should get concerned if the clots were as big as an apple. Otherwise, I was a-okay. Super.

What they tell you: You're going to need your cervix checked frequently.
What they don't tell you: They're going to check your cervix every twenty minutes or so. I am the most squeamish person when it comes to people looking up my hoo ha. I pass out every year at my annual pap. I just get so worked up, and I lock up, and it's the most miserable thing ever. I'm so bad that the on call literally questioned how my baby was conceived and gave me the okay to get the epi when I was only at a 3 thinking it'd make cervical checks easier for me (Really, I think she was just being selfish since she almost got kicked in the head, but that's just my opinion).

What they tell you: You're going to need help the first few days.
What they don't tell you: You're going to need help doing things that WILL be embarrassing. Some experiences may vary, since, as previously mentioned, I required a c-section. Some things are more embarrassing than others. I am very modest with my body... I have never dressed 'scandalous' and I've never really shown my body off. I certainly have never flashed anyone or the like. When you're trying to breast feed, you are going to whip your boobs out, and there are going to be numerous people touching and groping them, and you aren't going to care. Additionally, I need Master P to help with some tasks... like putting the mega pads on since I could really bend to pull my hospital issue mesh underoos on, and helping me dry my legs and butt after a shower for the same reason (and I'm pretty confident I had some happening hair patches since shaving well is impossible). I'm sure he saw many things that make him think differently of me now (see egg sized blood clots and sasquach hair patches), but as far as I can tell, he loves me all the same.

What they tell you: You will be numb from the waist down.
What they just don't tell you: You'll be numb from the waist down, and you won't be able to feel your feet... for four hours. It was the freakiest part of the whole experience I think. I could think about moving my feet... and see my feet moving... but couldn't feel my feet moving. I legit panicked.

What they just don't tell you: The first day you're home from the hospital, I'm sure you'll have plenty of help. Maybe you'll even be fortunate enough to have help for several weeks (I know the company I work for offers a 12 week maternity leave AND 12 weeks of paternity leave for new fathers). If you're anything like me, you'll, unfortunately, be alone sooner rather than later. After spending 4 days in the hospital after the birth of JBeanie, we were sent home on a Monday -- Master P had to return to work the following Monday. I can honestly say it was the hardest day of my life. I had no clue what I was doing. JBeanie cried all day long. I didn't have time to shower... I didn't even have time to eat anything. I was a frazzled disaster and that day made me feel like I didn't know what I got myself into. But it gets better. Honestly. Promise!


As tough as some of these things were to deal with, in all honesty, it's worth it in the end. JBean is the best thing to ever happen to me... shit filled diapers and all. :)